A Water Fast to reveal my reasons to binge

Here another great discovery thanking my Water Fast that gives me the chance to use my brain and have a great mental clarity about my life, my reasons of binging: I realized that my life is lonely, I'm happy overall because I got accustomed to this lifestyle, but it's lonely. Being alone every day home is bringing me to look for distractions, cooking is one of these. I love to cook and I feel I have to eat what I'm cooking, I have the obsession of not wasting any food so I cook more and I eat more, of course I eat even food that has no chance of being wasted and I do buy things that I really don't need.

Cooking and eating is my night-out, my happy date, my fulfilling relationship, my get-together with friends, my hobbies altogether. It's everything fake of course, but my mind needs it and that's why I will still continue to binge, till all those fake feelings will be replaced by real life events.

Raw Vegan Diet - Fats make you fat!

My experience so far, with my Raw Vegan Diet has been good; the only thing I complain to myself is the introduction of nuts and seeds in my everyday food. Nuts especially have a high fat content, and I noticed that as soon as I started to eat them, my weight went up immediately, not to mention the cravings that I started to have, dreaming about my banana ice-cream with insane amount of peanut butter powder! I guess I underestimate myself thinking I could resist to the temptations. I did partially to be fair, but not last night. I believe I ate 20 dates with almond milk, 10 dried figs and 2 chia seeds pudding in cacao powder, not to mention my huge salad with tahini and guacamole dressing! All the food I had caused me a sharp pain on the left side of my abdomen and huge belly that I still have. The Binge Eater that is in me is back in "shape", somebody please save me from the dark side of my inner self!

I felt very depressed after and I went to bed, I was having purging thoughts, thinking to go to the gym at 5:00 AM and then again this afternoon to the Body Attack class, also having second thoughts on when to start my next Water Fast. So I started to put some of my food in the freezer, so I can start my Water Fast sooner and I don't have to throw away anything. This afternoon I planned to chop some vegetables and freeze them too, as well of some of the fruit that is already ripe.

My plan originally was to start my second Fast on December 5^th, but I want to get rid of these cravings as soon as possible, so I might start sooner. I feel sick today, I had way too much food; my body doesn't like it at all. I just had my breakfast, and although I split in two parts the amount of fruits that I was supposed to eat this morning, I also had the last chia seeds pudding that was in the fridge and I brought with me the little macaroons with pecans and dates that I bought yesterday at the supermarket, just so I can share with people here and I won't eat them all without shame.

It's been a couple of days that my bowel movements are not anymore the same as before, I think is because of the fat content that I'm eating, it's true that doesn’t help digestion and makes feel you like crap, I have the proofs really.

If you are looking for a Raw Vegan Diet that will help you maintaining weight and makes you feel good: avoid as hell FATS!! Fats are not your friends in a Raw Vegan Diet – unless you are trying to gain weight. That's why is called: HCLF Diet, High Carbs Low Fat Diet. I cannot believe what a big difference I personally experienced introducing fats, especially nuts really. For things like seeds or avocados, I didn't have much problems, neither cravings really – but nuts became a nightmare. Every time I was going to a store I was repeating to myself not to buy any type of nuts whatsoever, but for some reasons I was leaving the store full of almonds, walnuts and cashews, unbelievable the Binge Eater that plans the binges again, I hate myself sometimes.

Why I decided to go for a 21 Days Water Fast?

Here few of my reasons why I decided to extend my Water Fast; I'll list all of them in no particular order:

• With a minimum of 21 days of fasting there are more than 90% chances of eliminating Candida Albicans from the system (or at least reestablish a good balance with good bacteria in the body) – For a sugar addicted as myself this is real hope!
• To enter into Ketosis (burning fat state) I need at least 4/5 days of fasting so 72 hours would not be useful for anything in this perspective, so I might as well avoid altogether and just try to eat healthy instead.
• With a prolonged Water Fast the health benefits are endless, those includes improvements of anxiety, depression, digestion issues, joint pain, cancer, skin problems, and so on. Easy to say I was sold on that.
• The psychological impact on a prolonged Water Fast is relevant; the connection with my body and mind, with the nature and God is extremely profound.
• The possibility to heal my body and reset all my organs in a healthier state, detoxing myself of all the bad food and toxins I had in the past years.
• The hope (even if very small) of getting rid of my Binge Eating Disorder and to find a new relationship with food.

I think I covered most of my personal reasons, I might add other comments in my future posts, checking in during my Water Fast.

My decision of Water Fasting

I need to give some updates regarding my Water Fast, after lots of researches done online and on YouTube I decided to do a 21+ days Water Fast. The reason behind this drastic choice is due to my Binge Eating Disorder. All this time that I had so many issues dealing with my sugar cravings and my BED, I always wondered if I had a Candida Albicans. Of course all the symptoms associated to a Candida are so generic that anyone could say: yes I think I might have it, so I don't have a scientific proof of that. Nevertheless a water fast experience I believe is really what I need at this point of my life.

Apparently after more than 21 days of having just water I can say with confidence that I eliminated the Candida Albicans from my system, or at least put it under control so that the good bacteria can fight the Candida without problems. The Candida survives with sugar, complex carbohydrates and all that junk food loaded with sugar and chemicals, without an extended period of clean eating and drinking the Candida cannot be starved neither killed. I could have had an alternative with juice feasting or following a strict diet regiment, but let's face it: I'm not good in that so far, so I need a more drastic way on how to deal with the Candida and my Binge Eating episodes.

Eliminating this problem is not the only reason why I chosen to water fast for such an extended period of time. Fasting is a physical and mental process, helps the body to detox and purify itself, I can heal my health problems, my addiction to food, I can clean my entire system, it's like pushing a reset button. People have been healed of numerous symptoms, such as: acne, anxiety, arrhythmia, PCOS, diabetes type 2 and I could go on and on. But what mostly sold me on this was the possibility to reconnect with my body, to detox itself and start from a fresh new begin of eating healthy, forgetting this food obsession that is killing my life from many point of view.

HCG Diet - A farewell lunch that compromises my VLCD!

This morning I checked back again my weight and my ketosis, and obviously I registered 1Kg gain since last time. I didn't have doubts really, I had a terrible weekend in terms of food and I can always feel on my clothes if I'm gaining and not losing anything, and that's was the case.

Today I had a farewell lunch with my team, since on Monday I'll be starting with a different group. I had a huge Cobb salad, with chicken breast and salty bacon; I wasn't worried about neither the vegetables nor the meat but rather the dressing that I didn't feel asking to remove - me and my uncontrollable binge eating disorder. Sometime I look at people that leave half food in their plate, saying: I'm full, and I envy them, I recall almost like a dream the times when I was having only a small slice of pizza and feeling full. My cravings for sugar are still so strong, I even had a coffee with Stevia today; after knowing that I didn't get the job after all interviews I had in the past weeks - I felt depressed and disappointed, I know it can be just an excuse but all these things happening together and my boring days at work are giving me hard time to be disciplined. The coffee didn't taste the same though, this can be a good sign that getting rid of Stevia is possible for me, and I just need to stick to the plan and not having it for just few days, same thing with sugar and carbohydrates. Willpower this unknown…

At the Healthy Store downstairs my office, I also bought some capsules of Ginseng, without the coffee I felt really sleepy and slow this morning, and through the day as well, knowing that I have my Kung-Fu class this afternoon I felt I needed an extra boost of energy or I won't be able to do much. Of course this is not a guarantee that I will succeed anyway! I still suck but in my defense can be easily related to my lack of exercise.

Today I had a quick chat with one of my coworkers here, during my farewell lunch and I was asking her about the possibility to switch my career as an independent contractor; my work is 80% of my daily life, I don't have anything else really, my family is all in Italy and I'm here by myself with no even a pet anymore. Being obsessed with food or work is a natural human behaviour, trying to escape from boring routine and trying to improve with perfection details these aspects of my life – whatever is possible.

I often thought how food could be my comfort, my missing love, my soulmate, since I think about it all the times. And it might be true on some extends, I am not interested in building a romantic relationship right now and all my attentions go to food and work. I don't know why I'm isolating myself from the rest of the world, although some people might see it as depression, I don't feel depressed, sure I have anxiety when I eat badly or I don't feel motivated with my diet but I'm strong, I still want to go places, go shopping, watch funny movies, I still have strong career goals that I want to fulfill, I don't give up and I know I can lose all my weight with HCG so I don't want to give up, I still believe in this diet, I'm just trying to find my balance on everything around me that will allow me to find all the strengths I need to be skinny again.

HCG Diet - Round#2 FAILED!

It's almost painful to admit, but my Round #2 of HCG was, this time, a complete failure. I read here and there by other HCGers that this is "the curse of the second round"!

I'm thinking that I was just not ready to start again a round. I came back from my vacation with extra pounds yes but the deal-breaker this time was being back on my former binge eating disorder. That is unforgiven, my eating disorder throw me back into my dark side of the dinner table; it created inside me all those unspeakable food-desires that I cannot control in any way.

And here I am with all these pounds, struggling on what to do, on how to start again the HCG Diet with good intentions, with right motivations that could bring me back where I was, before going on vacation.

Oh man, I wish I knew then what I know now! Never EVER EVER again in an all-inclusive resort! Those places are a public attack to anyone weight's management control. You cannot resist, everything tastes so delicious, I was harmless against it… nevertheless I blame only myself, because – inside- I knew I would let my repressed-hunger be stronger than my food discipline.

I went to my doctor a couple of times, to understand why I was feeling so weak lately, why the lack of concentration or those huge cravings. But, as I expected, they said everything is fine, everything is just inside my head…oh WTH I say.

I've already received another vial of HCG but my family doctor told me that my B12 is extremely high and I should not use, so now again starts the Bacteriostatic Water hunting game! I just hope this time I won't waste the HCG vial with my weakness. 

Confession of a Food addicted

As I was mentioning in one of my previous posts, when dieting some days are better than others. Some mornings I see big losses and I get motivated, some others my cravings are killing me so much that I would rather be fat for the rest of my life and indulge in all the chocolates and cookies I want. But I must to say I do crave not only sweets but food in general. I would love to have a huge bowl of broccoli in Alfredo sauce, or just steamed broccoli and lemon, I'd love a lettuce salad with some roasted chicken breast. Anything that I like, in terms of food, would be good when my cravings strike up so strongly. I guess someone can say that this is a Binge Eater talking; food is my weakness, something rather scaring when dealing with diets basically whole my life. Sometimes I feel like to eat all I want like there's no tomorrow, some days I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the progress I made, I don't want to go back on being overweight and being stressed with another strict diet again. Maybe now is time for me to go back to the gym, since my maintenance is completed (in terms of P3 but I'm now in P4), I should think about on doing some exercises, not to consume any calories, I never believed in those silly equations of Calories consumption vs Calories burned; the gym would help - if anything - to stay away from the fridge!

I didn't have my period this month, so unless the angel Gabriel will come on the 25^th for another annunciation….I should assume my strict Calories consumption put me in starvation mode in the past weeks, considering on how I'm eating in these days, my TOM should come back regular very soon.

I'm not sure what is causing my cravings, I want to eat all the times, even if I'm not hungry, I feel thinking only about which nice and healthy recipe I can prepare, I'm scared for this binging thoughts. These days have been tough on me; my weight is going to be up for sure tomorrow, way too many boiled eggs and proteins. I'm giving away my cat tomorrow, and although he will be much happier with them I'm sure, I feel a terrible person, incapable to commit in anything that could alter my deeply insane habits. My aversion against mess and dirt is so strong that I'm sure could be classified as a pathology for some psychotherapist! My work is getting busier and busier; the past weekend was the first one free since January. I'm still single looking for the non-existent perfect man that will commit to a woman incapable of commitments.

Crazy me, some people say that there could be an emotional reason why we eat or why we crave certain type of food. For me I think is true the vice versa, I believe there's a specific binge episode for any emotional irrational reaction that I've every day. The way I deal with food and the scale changes completely my mood in seconds…or is the opposite?!

HCG Diet - VLCD #5

Today I'm on my VLCD 5 – so I'm on a very low calories diet since 5 days and 7 injection days. Although I've been on the Protocol just for 5 days, it's been an extremely positive experience. My weight is going down, first couple of days really fast, now obviously it is slowing down, but totally normal; I cannot expect my body to lose 1Kg per day, which wouldn't be healthy for sure. For me, as long as the scale goes down: I'm happy! Even for just a little…

What makes me happy even more though is the way I feel, the energy that I have, is almost unbelievable to me, injections are easy to do it, painless, the hunger is almost inexistent and I still can't believe I'm eating only 500 Calories in a day, if all! In the past days I either skip a fruit serving or a carb serving, but really not feeling any desire or restriction on doing so. The Diet is easy and simple: just one protein type, just one vegetable type, just one fruit.

I was always struggling with Dr. Bernstein Diet with all the chopping and the preparation of breakfast and lunch and dinner, I was constantly cooking, and although I love to cook, that was too much even for me. With Dr. Simeons Protocol the choice is so limited that it removes the headache of what to eat and what not, definitely I can cook in many ways the same ingredients but guess how I feel about it?! I cannot care less about eating neither of what I eat! It's not that I don't enjoy food or anything; I'm just more focused on everything else in my life.

I had a Binge Eating Disorder for more than one year and my mind was constantly occupied thinking about food and what to eat next, for me this feels like freedom, finally healing from a mental disease that I thought I should live with for the rest of my life and restrict myself every time I was desiring food. Now conscious of the fact that portion control is obviously important I don't feel any challenge going forward, I'll check my weight every day, and if I gained a couple of pounds, I'll cut back my food intake for few days to get back on track. Now I know I can do it because food is not controlling my mind anymore.

It does sound that I'm blabbing just about my psychological status yes, but what I think is that we struggle almost all our lives about dieting and food and don't eat this and that, and I personally never accepted the advice of: "You have to love yourself as you are", sorry but I don't. I do not like seeing me fat and I will never love it, hence I want to lose weight. Those struggles are our enemies, all the thinking about what we can eat and what not makes dieting an important primary thing in our lives, we live for that…that's why we tend to care too much about food – well at least it was for me – but the point is that if you just could make food and eating something really not important, something that even when your stomach is growling you could think: "stomach it's growling, so what?!", that almost-impossible-to-believe thought will make your diet way easier. Nobody under a torture diet could have any long term success, I tried…multiple times; I ended up with anxiety, semi-depression, obesity, eating disorder and I could go on and on.

For you reading my post, if you never did before: search HCG, you have to give it a try!

Amazed by HCG - VLCD #2

It's Saturday today and I am speechless on what's happening to my body. I woke up a bit later this morning, had my HCG injection and went to bed again, I felt kind of hungry when I woke up, but too tired to do anything else. Good news was that my scale reported a 2Kg weight loss this morning; I thought ok, that was exactly what I gained during Loading Days so no big deal. After sleeping another 3/4 hours I woke up again and wondering if I was hungry or not, I'm really trying to listen to my body, to see how this Diet is going, and mostly because I did not find any trace of Ketosis this morning in my urine, so I was worried about the overall diet. Well I wasn't hungry – at all – I tried to drink a bit of a terrible French Roast decaf coffee, I couldn't swallow and I throw it away.

Since I had to work today I prepared my lunch and snacks to bring with me in the office, with my Vitamins and Detox tea too. Since this morning I do not care about food, I don't feel hungry but mostly I do not care about eating! I felt a couple of times my stomach growling but I didn't care much eating, it was like my brain, my desires were completely disconnected by the urge to eat, to think about food, I wanted to do other things, I felt anything else would have more relevance than "eating", and trust me for a Binge Eater with compulsive desire of food and addictions, this is absolutely astonishing!

I'm speechless, HCG gives me so much energy, I feel I can go for a run, at the gym, talking even faster than my usual (wherever is possible!), eventually I had to force myself to go in the kitchen and grab my salad, I'm trying to eat an orange and I'm not even enjoying it. It's just incredible to me how this hormone is changing my body, my mind, that's what I always wanted, I'm on a 500 Calories diet and no hunger pain, no desire of sugar, not even thinking of what I'm going to eat tonight or so. I used to have food always stuck in my mind, constantly thinking: when I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat next. Now I don't care, I can't even believe it! It's the first time since more than a year that I didn't feel like this. During my Dr. Bernstein Diet I felt always hungry, dizzy, constantly weak and sleepy, even though the doctor told me that I should've felt fabulous all the times, well it didn't happen to me, with just Vitamins B and a starvation Diet what do you expect?!

I've to admit it, although I read so many good things about the HCG Diet and Dr. Simeons Protocol, I was a bit skeptical about it. I thought it was too good to be true, I had to try in person and have my personal opinion about it. At the end everybody is different, someone can find Dr. Bernstein Diet perfect and be able to maintain what is lost forever. Me, I wasn't and what I read in the past about dieting in general and how human body reacts on stressful diet (see my Binge Eating Disorder), made me realize that I need more a cure than a Diet, something that will set me free from this food-addiction in my mind. I hope I found it, I'm already thinking if I could just use HCG for the rest of my life, to remove from my brain the obsession of food, to help maintain this positive and healthy approach on what I eat!

Dr. Bernstein Diet and my Binge Eating Disorder

It's been a year now since I started my first Dr Bernstein Diet. After meeting my goal in October 2014, I gained back slowly everything I lost, and some more. Apparently this is something common for these types of diet – and now I know exactly WHY.

One important detail – that's not mentioned in the Dr. Bernstein instruction Manual – is that when you put your body into a starvation mode, chances are that you will develop a Binge Eating Disorder.

Binge Eating is a normal instinctive reaction of your brain to survive, to compulsively request all those nutrients that you removed with your strict diet for so long, that you craved for so long.

Binge Eating affects more people that you would believe.

At the begin of my maintenance I started to have episodes of binging, at the time I didn't even know what was a B.E.D., I thought I was stupid and incapable to control my insane desire of eating 8 muffins in 3 minutes or an entire package of chocolate chips cookies. I thought my sweet tooth and my chocolate addiction were the reasons I could not control myself. Well that wasn't the reason.

Lots of people assume that Binge Eating Disorder is caused by an emotional state, that for sure there's an emotional trigger that makes you binge so compulsively and with no control.

If for some people, that could be true I guess, most of the times it's not. I tried to analyze any emotional reason that could have caused my binge attack, each time. But there was no pattern; once I was sad, once I was happy, once I was tired, once not….nothing that could relate that nonsense uncontrollable behaviours. I deducted that it was only my brain screaming for food, it was just a habit that my brain developed after all I put through with my Dr. Bernstein strict Diet.

The sad part is that not only I spent lots of money with Dr. Bernstein Diet, I kept on going back to the clinic - because weight becomes an obsession when you have a Binge Eating Disorder, I kept on starving my body and frightening my brain, I kept on gaining back pounds on and off and on again, not only that but what more depressing is that I now have an Eating Disorder that kills me inside as person, I don't enjoy food in the same way, I don't think about eating in the same way. I have a food obsession that is taking my days away from what should be living a normal and healthy life.

If someone tells you that you won't feel hungry during Bernstein Diet, he/she is lying. I was constantly starving, feeling weak, dizzy all the times. That was the real feel of what starvation is. How can I possibly think that my brain does not get affected by this state of my body? We are perfect machines, being in Ketosis activates parts of your brain that we usually don't have in alarm (if taking a normal food Diet) – your brain is asking you for help to survive, hence it will start to binge as soon as it can.

I'm not here to give any advice in regards of BED, since I'm not a doctor and I'm still a binge eater myself. I've to say – from my personal experience – that realizing and accepting that I've an eating Disorder helped me to fight it back. Now I know that, with the time, I will be able to overcome this disorder. I'm practicing on breaking the habit on Binge Eating, talking to myself that it's not me compulsively desiring to eat so much, it's my irrational brain, and I stay still, waiting for the impulse to leave. Sometimes are better than others, I'm strong and stubborn so I'm not giving up, I'm conscious though, it will be a long journey.