This morning I checked back again my weight and my ketosis, and obviously I registered 1Kg gain since last time. I didn't have
doubts really, I had a terrible weekend
in terms of food and I can always feel on my clothes if I'm gaining and not
losing anything, and that's was the case.
Today I had a farewell
lunch with my team, since on Monday
I'll be starting with a different group. I had a huge Cobb salad, with chicken
breast and salty bacon; I wasn't
worried about neither the vegetables nor the meat but rather the dressing that I didn't feel asking to
remove - me and my uncontrollable binge eating
disorder. Sometime I look at people that leave half food in their plate,
saying: I'm full, and I envy them, I
recall almost like a dream the times when I was having only a small slice of pizza and feeling full. My cravings for sugar are still so
strong, I even had a coffee with Stevia
today; after knowing that I didn't get the job after all interviews I had in
the past weeks - I felt depressed and
disappointed, I know it can be just an excuse
but all these things happening together and my boring days at work are giving
me hard time to be disciplined. The coffee didn't taste the same though,
this can be a good sign that getting rid of Stevia is possible for me, and I just need to stick to the plan and
not having it for just few days, same thing with sugar and carbohydrates. Willpower this unknown…
At the Healthy Store downstairs my office, I also bought
some capsules of Ginseng, without
the coffee I felt really sleepy and slow this morning, and through the day as
well, knowing that I have my Kung-Fu
class this afternoon I felt I needed
an extra boost of energy or I won't be able to do much. Of course this
is not a guarantee that I will succeed anyway! I still suck but in my defense can be easily related to my lack of
exercise.
Today I had a quick chat with one of my coworkers here,
during my farewell lunch and I was asking her about the
possibility to switch my career as an independent contractor; my work is 80% of my daily life, I
don't have anything else really, my family is all in Italy and I'm here by
myself with no even a pet anymore. Being obsessed
with food or work is a natural human behaviour, trying to
escape from boring routine and trying to improve with perfection details these
aspects of my life – whatever is possible.
I often thought how food
could be my comfort, my missing love,
my soulmate, since I think about it
all the times. And it might be true on
some extends, I am not interested in building a romantic relationship right now
and all my attentions go to food and work. I don't know why I'm isolating
myself from the rest of the world, although some people might see it as depression,
I don't feel depressed, sure I have anxiety when I eat badly or I don't
feel motivated with my diet but I'm
strong, I still want to go places, go shopping, watch funny movies, I still
have strong career goals that I want to fulfill, I don't give up and I know I
can lose all my weight with HCG so I don't want to give up, I still
believe in this diet, I'm just trying to find my balance on everything
around me that will allow me to find all the strengths I need to be skinny
again.
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