My daily struggles

I am here again struggling to start another Water Fast when my hormones destroyed all sacrifices I made last week with my 9 days Water Fast.

Some days I feel really hopeless, some others I try to find inside me the strengths to keep going to have happy thoughts and good intentions for my future weight loss journeys. When it is going to end? When I will achieve my goal weight and fight to keep it? Most probably never, I know it’s not an optimistic way of seeing things but that’s how I feel today unfortunately.

I know now that this is not actually me talking but my hormones; once a month or so I feel very negative, not only for my weight loss but for everything; I lack in motivation, I see all dark and I put in discussion everything of my life. My job, my city, my boyfriend, the way I look, the way I dress, the things I do every day, it feels I’m the worst critic of myself, nothing that I do is good and nobody around me appreciate me nor I deserve them.

Being a woman sometimes really sucks.

Today I’m very negative regarding my relationship; it’s been 5 months now that we’re dating, and although it’s not a long period by all means, I don’t feel very positive about how things are going. He’s a great man, very kind and sweet, and really I’m very lucky that I found someone like him, knowing how difficult is to meet a good man in this city. However I feel our story is boring sometimes; I feel he is not that much into me as I am not into him. But I wonder if the fact that we don’t see each other that often might be a culprit of our boredom? I also think that could be the age after all. The more we grow up the more we tend to handle relationships differently, maybe more rationally. We don’t jump into anything suddenly anymore, - well at least I don’t - I try to develop something taking my time, being conscious on what I’m doing, without rushing anything too fast. I want this story to last for long time, I don’t want to get burned but at the same time I do want to feel in love with him, otherwise there won’t be any future, regardless the pace that I’ll take to let everything develop by its natural course.
Today I was thinking on going to a walk-in clinic to get prescribed some test for the Candida Overgrowth (COS), not sure if they will look at me and think that I’m crazy but at least I would have tried. It really bothers me the fact that I feel the urge to go and buy chocolate bars and m&m’s like I was a 12 years old; I cannot stand this absurd behavior at my age, it’s just ridiculous. It must be something that can help me… Today for instance, I had basically lunch with a full bag of cookies, m&m’s and OH-Henry chocolate candies. How can this been happening to me? I was so happy of my Raw Vegan Diet, and frankly I still am, but I wasn’t eating so badly since months now, I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel disgusted now, my stomach is killing me and I deserve everything really.
Some time I envy people that don’t have issues with food, that they can eat just when they are hungry, with no major cravings or mental addictions, I’m really jealous of this type of gift.

How food addiction jeopardizes my Water Fast

A lot of people that struggle with extra weight (me included) very often don't eat for hunger but rather for emotional reasons. Sometimes those reasons are unknown to ourselves altogether and we just eat because food is joy, it's a reward that we deeply need, makes feel us better, loved. But food it's at the same time culprit of our troubles. It's a vicious circle that we can never get off from, there's no brain switch that would say: that's it. I had enough of you; I want to have willpower on my food intake. Unfortunately, this is a lost war that only good prolonged, extremely prolonged habits can win.

Food is my enemy and my love; I can't control my feelings when dealing with it. Yesterday I had a real pure Binge Eating episode, planned and executed perfectly. I did not have this type of episode since a while now; yes I was often overeating but never planning my binges, at least not in the past few months.

I'm thinking that the reason could be due to the refined sugar and carbs I had in the past 2/3 weeks. I had non-raw-vegan food in few occasions, including m&m's at the movie theatre and English muffins from McDonald's once I felt already screwing up everything I had achieved in the past months. Shame on me!

In these days I'm trying and trying to start a new Water Fast, and oh man how difficult is, I never had so many problems starting a Fast; sure the first 3/4 days are tough but I always came around to do it somehow. This time seems everything so hard and my belly now looks like an 8-months pregnancy! I have that moment where I hate my body.

Temptations are always around, the desire of food is always there, I'm hungry and frustrated, I have anxiety, I sleep very badly at night and nothing fits me properly now. I look so ugly and old in the mirror.

One thing that often influences me negatively with my fast is meeting people; in particular my boyfriend….that is always hungry! When he asks me to go eat something I feel bad to say no, that I'm fasting, because I know he likes to eat a lot and me too anyway, so I give up on my discipline and eat with him, happily.

But today I feel more motivated, the pictures I took of my huge belly yesterday are a great motivation; the way my face looks with all this extra fat is convincing me on stick on my fast. I also saw my ex for a coffee yesterday evening and he did not believe the fact that I did a 24 day Water Fast and he acknowledged my fat and extra weight, I know he is a jerk, he's always been like that….he likes skinny women and I'm not here to judge him, but – believe it or not – this offensive look and comment kind of helped me to find a good motivation to stick to my Fast today.

One thing I'm worried about though, this afternoon I'm going to see my parents and spend 2 days with them; I really hope they won't make me eat the usual junk food or forcing me to eat something and break again the fast. I really need to pass these first few days; once I'm in ketosis things will be easier. Also my boyfriend is already thinking on celebrating my new job in the coming week, going out in a restaurant of my choice and to have some fun together. I hope he'll understand that I finally started my Water Fast and we just need to postpone the dinner of few days; it should not be a big deal.

Trying to Fast again with no success

So I'm back again here struggling on starting a new prolonged Water Fast, ideally I would like to do a 14-Day Water Fast. The reason I am aiming to this number is because I think I will need at least 2 weeks to lose all the fat I gained back after my last fast done before my trip to Italy.

I gained all back, I'm not over 60 Kg yet but I can see from my body that whatever I have on is just fat, since I'm not going to the gym in a while I have no muscles anymore. I went for a run 3/4 times in the morning, when I was in Italy, but just for 20/30 minutes….better than nothing sure but not enough to build muscles. I might need to go back on my gym regiment or these Fasts are going to break down all my left over shapes!

I gained my pounds back because of the amount of stress I'm getting at work; seriously this job is killing me inside and out. I'm desperately trying to change but it's not easy to find a good job. Before leaving for my vacation I was very motivated, I had found a great company that asked me to come multiple times for interviews, giving me great feedbacks. This gave me great motivation also to keep on going with my Water Fast, until the last few days before my trip, when they decided not to pursue my candidature for the role, that was very disappointing since I kind of pictured myself already leaving this hell where I'm in every day!

This is the first time in my life where I don't want to wake up in the morning knowing that I have to come to work. I think nobody should ever feel in this way for a job….this is not a happy place. The way I feel every day is affecting my behaviour towards my entire life, my relationship with food and also my relationship with others. I feel depressed, very often I would like just to go home and cry. I don't have anyone I can talk to and that understands my situation. I told everything to a couple of friends but I realized that after talking few times they are tired to listen to my complaints; which is totally understandable, I've been dealing with these struggles since 6 months now, anyone would get bored to listen to me, myself included…!

In the mornings I have strong anxiety, the Water Fast usually helps me a lot with my anxiety, but it takes at least 5/7 Days to really start to feel the benefits of the Fast, and the first days are normally the toughest one. I started last Thursday fasting then after 3 days of being diligent I gave up on some food at a local pizzeria with my boyfriend. I was definitely hungry but being in company and going out didn't help my discipline.

It takes so little to gain weight back, I spent yesterday eating and today I had a huge lunch, although skipped breakfast and planning on starting a real Fast. I want to be successful this time, I know the level of stress is high but eating and gaining weight makes me only more miserable and it gets my mind so foggy. Being on a lower weight helps a lot my mood, my self-esteem, my anxiety, I can control my food better because I'm more motivated, even my gym routine improves.

I want to try to start an IF regiment once I get to the desired weight, I'm thinking that even just 56Kg as a start would be perfect, and then anything less can be achieved with IF or the gym. But first I need to get rid of this fat I have accumulated to my belly. I'm wondering if even the stress can be a reason why I'm often bloated…I don't know. I just hope to find the strengths on keep on going with my Water Fast. Wish me luck!

Water Fast Day #4 - How am I feeling?

Today is my Water Fast Day #4 and I also checked my ketosis for the first time since days; I can confirm that I had 1.5 Small Traces of Ketosis this morning. I didn't see the Ketostix so dark since forever really, I was glad to see that I'm currently burning fat.

So far my Water Fast experience is good, I know I'm not following the process in perfection, apparently I'm not supposed to use any soap or cream as well as not brushing my teeth or doing any makeup. None of those things is feasible for me that I work every day in an office.  Some people go to those Wellness Centers in Costa Rica, but seriously who has 4/5 weeks' vacation to get there for a Water Fast? I personally don't have this luxury, I've a mortgage to pay and if I miss 4 weeks at work they will replace me with someone else!

Anyhow, my weight is exactly the same as last time I checked, which was way before my binge eating episodes, I cannot say much about it really, maybe going forward I'll have a better picture of how I am doing with this.

My sensation into just 4 days of fasting are not bad overall, I don't feel hungry, well at least most of the time, but I don't have cravings which is a big thing for me. In the first 2 days I had bad headaches, most probably for the coffee withdrawal and sugar too I guess; I used a couple of aspirins on day #1 and #2 and that fixed all. I definitely feel slower in my movements and I don't have the same energy as before, but I kind of like this status of my body, it relaxes me, I don't feel anxious anymore, I didn't have any raised heartbeat yesterday and even my anxiety was a bit less painful, not disappeared yet but looking forward to it!

Failing, Binging and Fasting

I'm here to report that in the past 2/3 days I had few binge episodes unfortunately, not sure how or when everything started, I think when I just allowed myself to go off the protocol for the first time in this Round #3, and then I was off the wagon. In the past days I had few white sugar food as well as bread, pizza and pasta dishes that I did not have since a while. This morning when I woke up and saw my face and my eyes – they were kind of swallowing; my face is still now bigger than usual, like I gained 5 pounds but only on my face! My eyes were tired and wrinkly – more than the usual at least. I think it was for the food but it was strange to see such a drastic change overnight, and the rest of my body is not affected in the same way, is not that I see such more fat all over me, mostly on my face. I feel warm only on my face, it's a strange feeling, so strange that I'm questioning if I got any allergic reaction from something that I ate. Like all the junk food maybe?

Anyhow, today – as any binge eater and her insane purging behaviour – I decided to do a 72 hours water fast. Mostly to get rid of the coffee and the Stevia taste, trying to get back into Ketosis for good. I hope I'll be able to make these 72 hours – let's face it, it's tough for anyone, for a binge eater even more.

Good news though is that so far I don't feel much hungry, it's 2pm and I didn't eat since yesterday evening, I had few glasses of water but not as much as I used to, in my defense is this new office that I'm not familiar yet, I don't have my bottle so I am always using a mug borrowed from the kitchen. Maybe next time I'll have my own bottle.

So far I hate this place, I don't have my desk – here is a first come first serve basis. But let me tell you: just BS! Because people end up sitting always in the same spot and if you (new person in the team), come along "stealing" desks well then people will start to complain. Another thing that I hate about this place is the fact that there's any allocated space where to keep my stuff! Where am I supposed to keep my shoes?! My bag with tooth brush and tooth paste? Just crazy for me, apparently there's a long waiting list to have a drawer. I hate this place so far, if I keep on bringing back and forth my laptop I will need a chiropractor by the end of the year.

HCG Diet - A farewell lunch that compromises my VLCD!

This morning I checked back again my weight and my ketosis, and obviously I registered 1Kg gain since last time. I didn't have doubts really, I had a terrible weekend in terms of food and I can always feel on my clothes if I'm gaining and not losing anything, and that's was the case.

Today I had a farewell lunch with my team, since on Monday I'll be starting with a different group. I had a huge Cobb salad, with chicken breast and salty bacon; I wasn't worried about neither the vegetables nor the meat but rather the dressing that I didn't feel asking to remove - me and my uncontrollable binge eating disorder. Sometime I look at people that leave half food in their plate, saying: I'm full, and I envy them, I recall almost like a dream the times when I was having only a small slice of pizza and feeling full. My cravings for sugar are still so strong, I even had a coffee with Stevia today; after knowing that I didn't get the job after all interviews I had in the past weeks - I felt depressed and disappointed, I know it can be just an excuse but all these things happening together and my boring days at work are giving me hard time to be disciplined. The coffee didn't taste the same though, this can be a good sign that getting rid of Stevia is possible for me, and I just need to stick to the plan and not having it for just few days, same thing with sugar and carbohydrates. Willpower this unknown…

At the Healthy Store downstairs my office, I also bought some capsules of Ginseng, without the coffee I felt really sleepy and slow this morning, and through the day as well, knowing that I have my Kung-Fu class this afternoon I felt I needed an extra boost of energy or I won't be able to do much. Of course this is not a guarantee that I will succeed anyway! I still suck but in my defense can be easily related to my lack of exercise.

Today I had a quick chat with one of my coworkers here, during my farewell lunch and I was asking her about the possibility to switch my career as an independent contractor; my work is 80% of my daily life, I don't have anything else really, my family is all in Italy and I'm here by myself with no even a pet anymore. Being obsessed with food or work is a natural human behaviour, trying to escape from boring routine and trying to improve with perfection details these aspects of my life – whatever is possible.

I often thought how food could be my comfort, my missing love, my soulmate, since I think about it all the times. And it might be true on some extends, I am not interested in building a romantic relationship right now and all my attentions go to food and work. I don't know why I'm isolating myself from the rest of the world, although some people might see it as depression, I don't feel depressed, sure I have anxiety when I eat badly or I don't feel motivated with my diet but I'm strong, I still want to go places, go shopping, watch funny movies, I still have strong career goals that I want to fulfill, I don't give up and I know I can lose all my weight with HCG so I don't want to give up, I still believe in this diet, I'm just trying to find my balance on everything around me that will allow me to find all the strengths I need to be skinny again.