My emotional issue behind my binge episodes

Believe it or not my Water Fast journey helped me so much to understand my issues with food, my binge episodes and the reason why food became such an uncontrollable dependency for me in the past years. Thanks to my Water Fast my mind is now able to see things clearly, to have the whole picture of my eating disorder, the emotional reasons underlying my BED, amazing right?

So I analyzed why in the past I was bingeing, my usual answer was because of my very restrictive diet, which could be the triggering factor yes, but the persistence of the episodes made me wondering if there was more, a subconscious reason that I was not dealing with, mostly because unknown to me.

So I found it. It goes back in my past, in my family, my mother is an amazing cook, she cooks to express her love to her children, she is happy knowing that everyone is always well fed, that the fridge is full of all kind of things that we love, and always in abundance. Since I moved to Canada few years ago my family is not with me anymore, I'm alone in this country, no relative, no family of my own; sure lots of friends and acquaintances but nothing compared family relations. My subconscious started to miss all the love that my family used to give me, my mother's attentions, and the dinner table full of her way to give us love, so I binged. Binging is my way to compensate for what I miss: affections from my parents, from my sisters, closeness from what is my most important thing in my life: my family. Every time I binge I feel a sense of happiness, gratification, is my way to give love to myself that otherwise I will not receive.

I hope this Water Fasting journey will help me to understand that food is just food, that cannot substitute emotions, cannot replace the love of my family, I need to deal with the fact that I am here in this country alone, that my family is always there for me when I need, just not here physically. 

Failing, Binging and Fasting

I'm here to report that in the past 2/3 days I had few binge episodes unfortunately, not sure how or when everything started, I think when I just allowed myself to go off the protocol for the first time in this Round #3, and then I was off the wagon. In the past days I had few white sugar food as well as bread, pizza and pasta dishes that I did not have since a while. This morning when I woke up and saw my face and my eyes – they were kind of swallowing; my face is still now bigger than usual, like I gained 5 pounds but only on my face! My eyes were tired and wrinkly – more than the usual at least. I think it was for the food but it was strange to see such a drastic change overnight, and the rest of my body is not affected in the same way, is not that I see such more fat all over me, mostly on my face. I feel warm only on my face, it's a strange feeling, so strange that I'm questioning if I got any allergic reaction from something that I ate. Like all the junk food maybe?

Anyhow, today – as any binge eater and her insane purging behaviour – I decided to do a 72 hours water fast. Mostly to get rid of the coffee and the Stevia taste, trying to get back into Ketosis for good. I hope I'll be able to make these 72 hours – let's face it, it's tough for anyone, for a binge eater even more.

Good news though is that so far I don't feel much hungry, it's 2pm and I didn't eat since yesterday evening, I had few glasses of water but not as much as I used to, in my defense is this new office that I'm not familiar yet, I don't have my bottle so I am always using a mug borrowed from the kitchen. Maybe next time I'll have my own bottle.

So far I hate this place, I don't have my desk – here is a first come first serve basis. But let me tell you: just BS! Because people end up sitting always in the same spot and if you (new person in the team), come along "stealing" desks well then people will start to complain. Another thing that I hate about this place is the fact that there's any allocated space where to keep my stuff! Where am I supposed to keep my shoes?! My bag with tooth brush and tooth paste? Just crazy for me, apparently there's a long waiting list to have a drawer. I hate this place so far, if I keep on bringing back and forth my laptop I will need a chiropractor by the end of the year.

Dr. Bernstein Diet and my Binge Eating Disorder

It's been a year now since I started my first Dr Bernstein Diet. After meeting my goal in October 2014, I gained back slowly everything I lost, and some more. Apparently this is something common for these types of diet – and now I know exactly WHY.

One important detail – that's not mentioned in the Dr. Bernstein instruction Manual – is that when you put your body into a starvation mode, chances are that you will develop a Binge Eating Disorder.

Binge Eating is a normal instinctive reaction of your brain to survive, to compulsively request all those nutrients that you removed with your strict diet for so long, that you craved for so long.

Binge Eating affects more people that you would believe.

At the begin of my maintenance I started to have episodes of binging, at the time I didn't even know what was a B.E.D., I thought I was stupid and incapable to control my insane desire of eating 8 muffins in 3 minutes or an entire package of chocolate chips cookies. I thought my sweet tooth and my chocolate addiction were the reasons I could not control myself. Well that wasn't the reason.

Lots of people assume that Binge Eating Disorder is caused by an emotional state, that for sure there's an emotional trigger that makes you binge so compulsively and with no control.

If for some people, that could be true I guess, most of the times it's not. I tried to analyze any emotional reason that could have caused my binge attack, each time. But there was no pattern; once I was sad, once I was happy, once I was tired, once not….nothing that could relate that nonsense uncontrollable behaviours. I deducted that it was only my brain screaming for food, it was just a habit that my brain developed after all I put through with my Dr. Bernstein strict Diet.

The sad part is that not only I spent lots of money with Dr. Bernstein Diet, I kept on going back to the clinic - because weight becomes an obsession when you have a Binge Eating Disorder, I kept on starving my body and frightening my brain, I kept on gaining back pounds on and off and on again, not only that but what more depressing is that I now have an Eating Disorder that kills me inside as person, I don't enjoy food in the same way, I don't think about eating in the same way. I have a food obsession that is taking my days away from what should be living a normal and healthy life.

If someone tells you that you won't feel hungry during Bernstein Diet, he/she is lying. I was constantly starving, feeling weak, dizzy all the times. That was the real feel of what starvation is. How can I possibly think that my brain does not get affected by this state of my body? We are perfect machines, being in Ketosis activates parts of your brain that we usually don't have in alarm (if taking a normal food Diet) – your brain is asking you for help to survive, hence it will start to binge as soon as it can.

I'm not here to give any advice in regards of BED, since I'm not a doctor and I'm still a binge eater myself. I've to say – from my personal experience – that realizing and accepting that I've an eating Disorder helped me to fight it back. Now I know that, with the time, I will be able to overcome this disorder. I'm practicing on breaking the habit on Binge Eating, talking to myself that it's not me compulsively desiring to eat so much, it's my irrational brain, and I stay still, waiting for the impulse to leave. Sometimes are better than others, I'm strong and stubborn so I'm not giving up, I'm conscious though, it will be a long journey.