My daily struggles

I am here again struggling to start another Water Fast when my hormones destroyed all sacrifices I made last week with my 9 days Water Fast.

Some days I feel really hopeless, some others I try to find inside me the strengths to keep going to have happy thoughts and good intentions for my future weight loss journeys. When it is going to end? When I will achieve my goal weight and fight to keep it? Most probably never, I know it’s not an optimistic way of seeing things but that’s how I feel today unfortunately.

I know now that this is not actually me talking but my hormones; once a month or so I feel very negative, not only for my weight loss but for everything; I lack in motivation, I see all dark and I put in discussion everything of my life. My job, my city, my boyfriend, the way I look, the way I dress, the things I do every day, it feels I’m the worst critic of myself, nothing that I do is good and nobody around me appreciate me nor I deserve them.

Being a woman sometimes really sucks.

Today I’m very negative regarding my relationship; it’s been 5 months now that we’re dating, and although it’s not a long period by all means, I don’t feel very positive about how things are going. He’s a great man, very kind and sweet, and really I’m very lucky that I found someone like him, knowing how difficult is to meet a good man in this city. However I feel our story is boring sometimes; I feel he is not that much into me as I am not into him. But I wonder if the fact that we don’t see each other that often might be a culprit of our boredom? I also think that could be the age after all. The more we grow up the more we tend to handle relationships differently, maybe more rationally. We don’t jump into anything suddenly anymore, - well at least I don’t - I try to develop something taking my time, being conscious on what I’m doing, without rushing anything too fast. I want this story to last for long time, I don’t want to get burned but at the same time I do want to feel in love with him, otherwise there won’t be any future, regardless the pace that I’ll take to let everything develop by its natural course.
Today I was thinking on going to a walk-in clinic to get prescribed some test for the Candida Overgrowth (COS), not sure if they will look at me and think that I’m crazy but at least I would have tried. It really bothers me the fact that I feel the urge to go and buy chocolate bars and m&m’s like I was a 12 years old; I cannot stand this absurd behavior at my age, it’s just ridiculous. It must be something that can help me… Today for instance, I had basically lunch with a full bag of cookies, m&m’s and OH-Henry chocolate candies. How can this been happening to me? I was so happy of my Raw Vegan Diet, and frankly I still am, but I wasn’t eating so badly since months now, I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel disgusted now, my stomach is killing me and I deserve everything really.
Some time I envy people that don’t have issues with food, that they can eat just when they are hungry, with no major cravings or mental addictions, I’m really jealous of this type of gift.