2019 Fast 3.0 - I broke my fast at 190 hours (8th day)

After almost 8 days (190hrs) I decided to break my Dry Fast. This was the longest Dry Fast I ever done till today. I was aiming for the 200hrs, I was so close. However, in the morning - while I was driving around my parents - I felt my eyes really dry, I couldn't even see very well; so worried I thought it was time to end this journey.
I broke the Dry Fast with a bit of baking soda and ACV, waited half hour or so and started to drink water. My kidneys were hurting me a bit, I had a BM right away, not a pleasant one. But what was more concerning to me is that I got an UTI right away, with blood in my urine and a strong burning sensation. I'm sure I was dehydrated - but it's so fascinating to me to see how, in the presence of water, all infections come back to life! I t was also a cold snowy day, it might have affected the overall reaction. I didn't have any type of food that day, just plenty of water. I had to work in the afternoon, so I was a bit concerned on eating anything that could cause and urgent need to use the bathroom. The afternoon working was demanding, by the end of the night I was drained, my arms felt really weak bringing around those big trays, but I managed to do it after all. The day after I reported 1Kg water weight gain, which it was expected I guess. After almost 8 days without water my body was holding as much as it could! On Sunday - Refeeding Day #2 - I had a papaya smoothie and a broccoli soup, all of that made me gain another 2lb unfortunately, I should also count the food in my bowel, since I didn't have any BM in those 2 days. Yesterday (day #3 after breaking the DF) I had stomach issues; I guess, as my usual, I ate too much and my shrinked stomach didn't like it. I tried to have mostly liquids in these past 3 days, but I don't think I achieved my goal. Today I wanted to start again another round of a Dry Fast but I feel my mouth really dry, that's a sign that I still need water to be able to begin a new prolonged Dry Fast. It's really easy gaining weight, sure after no food, no water I should have just a tiny meal here and there, without stuffing myself like a pig. This morning I was back on 67.7Kg on my scale, which is devastating for me!

My daily struggles

I am here again struggling to start another Water Fast when my hormones destroyed all sacrifices I made last week with my 9 days Water Fast.

Some days I feel really hopeless, some others I try to find inside me the strengths to keep going to have happy thoughts and good intentions for my future weight loss journeys. When it is going to end? When I will achieve my goal weight and fight to keep it? Most probably never, I know it’s not an optimistic way of seeing things but that’s how I feel today unfortunately.

I know now that this is not actually me talking but my hormones; once a month or so I feel very negative, not only for my weight loss but for everything; I lack in motivation, I see all dark and I put in discussion everything of my life. My job, my city, my boyfriend, the way I look, the way I dress, the things I do every day, it feels I’m the worst critic of myself, nothing that I do is good and nobody around me appreciate me nor I deserve them.

Being a woman sometimes really sucks.

Today I’m very negative regarding my relationship; it’s been 5 months now that we’re dating, and although it’s not a long period by all means, I don’t feel very positive about how things are going. He’s a great man, very kind and sweet, and really I’m very lucky that I found someone like him, knowing how difficult is to meet a good man in this city. However I feel our story is boring sometimes; I feel he is not that much into me as I am not into him. But I wonder if the fact that we don’t see each other that often might be a culprit of our boredom? I also think that could be the age after all. The more we grow up the more we tend to handle relationships differently, maybe more rationally. We don’t jump into anything suddenly anymore, - well at least I don’t - I try to develop something taking my time, being conscious on what I’m doing, without rushing anything too fast. I want this story to last for long time, I don’t want to get burned but at the same time I do want to feel in love with him, otherwise there won’t be any future, regardless the pace that I’ll take to let everything develop by its natural course.
Today I was thinking on going to a walk-in clinic to get prescribed some test for the Candida Overgrowth (COS), not sure if they will look at me and think that I’m crazy but at least I would have tried. It really bothers me the fact that I feel the urge to go and buy chocolate bars and m&m’s like I was a 12 years old; I cannot stand this absurd behavior at my age, it’s just ridiculous. It must be something that can help me… Today for instance, I had basically lunch with a full bag of cookies, m&m’s and OH-Henry chocolate candies. How can this been happening to me? I was so happy of my Raw Vegan Diet, and frankly I still am, but I wasn’t eating so badly since months now, I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel disgusted now, my stomach is killing me and I deserve everything really.
Some time I envy people that don’t have issues with food, that they can eat just when they are hungry, with no major cravings or mental addictions, I’m really jealous of this type of gift.

Trying to Fast again with no success

So I'm back again here struggling on starting a new prolonged Water Fast, ideally I would like to do a 14-Day Water Fast. The reason I am aiming to this number is because I think I will need at least 2 weeks to lose all the fat I gained back after my last fast done before my trip to Italy.

I gained all back, I'm not over 60 Kg yet but I can see from my body that whatever I have on is just fat, since I'm not going to the gym in a while I have no muscles anymore. I went for a run 3/4 times in the morning, when I was in Italy, but just for 20/30 minutes….better than nothing sure but not enough to build muscles. I might need to go back on my gym regiment or these Fasts are going to break down all my left over shapes!

I gained my pounds back because of the amount of stress I'm getting at work; seriously this job is killing me inside and out. I'm desperately trying to change but it's not easy to find a good job. Before leaving for my vacation I was very motivated, I had found a great company that asked me to come multiple times for interviews, giving me great feedbacks. This gave me great motivation also to keep on going with my Water Fast, until the last few days before my trip, when they decided not to pursue my candidature for the role, that was very disappointing since I kind of pictured myself already leaving this hell where I'm in every day!

This is the first time in my life where I don't want to wake up in the morning knowing that I have to come to work. I think nobody should ever feel in this way for a job….this is not a happy place. The way I feel every day is affecting my behaviour towards my entire life, my relationship with food and also my relationship with others. I feel depressed, very often I would like just to go home and cry. I don't have anyone I can talk to and that understands my situation. I told everything to a couple of friends but I realized that after talking few times they are tired to listen to my complaints; which is totally understandable, I've been dealing with these struggles since 6 months now, anyone would get bored to listen to me, myself included…!

In the mornings I have strong anxiety, the Water Fast usually helps me a lot with my anxiety, but it takes at least 5/7 Days to really start to feel the benefits of the Fast, and the first days are normally the toughest one. I started last Thursday fasting then after 3 days of being diligent I gave up on some food at a local pizzeria with my boyfriend. I was definitely hungry but being in company and going out didn't help my discipline.

It takes so little to gain weight back, I spent yesterday eating and today I had a huge lunch, although skipped breakfast and planning on starting a real Fast. I want to be successful this time, I know the level of stress is high but eating and gaining weight makes me only more miserable and it gets my mind so foggy. Being on a lower weight helps a lot my mood, my self-esteem, my anxiety, I can control my food better because I'm more motivated, even my gym routine improves.

I want to try to start an IF regiment once I get to the desired weight, I'm thinking that even just 56Kg as a start would be perfect, and then anything less can be achieved with IF or the gym. But first I need to get rid of this fat I have accumulated to my belly. I'm wondering if even the stress can be a reason why I'm often bloated…I don't know. I just hope to find the strengths on keep on going with my Water Fast. Wish me luck!

Gaining weight

So this morning I weighted myself home and – believe it or not – I gained 400g! I know it's nothing and it could be just small water retention but still. I'm having less than 600 Calories per day, I'm not losing any weight, and I even gain pounds! WTH is happening I don't know.

I'm hungry often during the day; if anyone tells you that you don't feel hungry with Dr. Bernstein Diet, it's not true. Yes you could feel that a meal is a lot after a while, but I'm not happy about that, I mean this could be just because my metabolism is slowing down. My body is protecting itself trying to store everything it can.

The nurse this morning suggested me to change something in my food list, like eating asparagus, never been a fan of it but I guess I will try, for the cause. I'm having broccoli today and I'll try to avoid anything that is processed for this coming weekend. If I'm not losing weight by Monday I'll be in serious depression!

I had another abdomen injection today; she was telling me that it's better to stick for a month on the same spot for the injections, to see results. I personally would like to end the Diet within a month and then go on maintenance. Obviously I planned all that when I thought I would have done with the losing weight part by then. Let's see how things will proceed in the next days. I should not evaluate my weight loss based on a single day. I'll try to recap the overall Diet by the end of the week.

I'm thinking of joining a gym soon, possibly close to where I live so I will not find excuses when I have to go and exercise. Considering that I've the gym in my building and I never go, it's a sign on how much disciplined I am in this matter. But I'm always worried about my knee injury to be honest; joining a gym could give me the chance to exercise in classes where the impact on my knee is different compared running.  The only annoying part is the until-you-die-membership type of thing that they have here in Canada. Only for that I avoided the gyms in the past years, don't you think they lost money for that? I think so. I would be willing to pay month by month, maybe a bit more but I'd prefer it, rather than a long year of membership that you cannot withdrawal unless you pay an unfair fee.  Oh well, I'll give it a try and evaluate the pros and cons.