A bad day during Maintenance

Today is a bad day for me and my weight; I'm eating as I didn't have food from the past 2 weeks! I had a normal breakfast this morning, actually way more than the recommended amount. I had 500g of boiled broccoli with 1/3 cup of shredded non-fat cheese on it. The broccoli felt like nothing in my stomach, I had to eat something else later on because starving, so I went downstairs and I bought a Spinach & Feta Croissant, it was delicious! Knowing I had 500g of broccoli only for a meal made me think that my whole allowed amount for a day – during the strict diet – was only 460g of vegetables, barely nothing.

I brought my lunch in the office today, thinking that I should better save some money and prepare my own healthy food so I cooked a zucchini omelet yesterday and I had it with half whole wheat tortilla. Although I had the omelet, I felt still hungry after; water did not help, herbal teas did not help, decaf coffee did not help…not even the 2 Jell-Os helped! So I went again downstairs to buy another croissant and a pecan tart, my favourite. Needless to say that I don't feel right today, I usually cheat on my healthy diet with a protein bar or simply with bigger portions of my allowed food - but not recently, I'm off in motivation, I miss my ex-boyfriend, I'm looking at the holidays and at the snow storm outside and I feel sad. Food is my only comfort at the moment. Most likely I'll spend Christmas days by myself, as well as New Year's Day so I'm not in a general great mood lately.

I say: everything is an excuse though; I should be more focused in any case. I already attuned myself that first thing I want to do in January is going back to the strict Diet, it's expensive true but for me it was worth it, I was always starving, always weak but the scale was always rewarding, almost every morning! I want to learn again how to manage my weight before I gain everything back and I'm overweight at the point where I started.

Some days I really don't care about my extra pounds, some days I'm depressed for it. I think dieting is a very psychological stressing thing to do. You're against yourself, by yourself. Motivation has to come only from within or you won't stick to it. Most probably part of my motivation in the past months was my ex-boyfriend. Now he is not in my life anymore and I'm missing the boost portion that he was giving me every day struggling with my starvation. My period missing is oddly not alarming me much, it should though, and it's been almost 3 months now that I didn't have it. I should see a doctor and I'm not doing anything for it. With Christmas approaching the idea of say no to sweets is killing me so I won't pretend to myself that I'm that strong and I'll just try to resist as much as I can to the…extra not allowed!

Maintenance Month 2

I'm back on my blog to tell more about my journey, after a terrible behaved Maintenance period.

After I finished my strict Diet I found myself literally obsessed with food. The only thing I could think of was eating, and having a "free eating day" was ending on eating till I was sick. Indeed the worst way to end a Diet.

I do still enjoy having my healthy food and hopefully this will never change. It is definitely changed the way I do my grocery shopping and the way I drink and consume calories.

I signed up at the gym about 10 days ago, hopefully this will help me to build some muscles and increase my metabolism. I don't feel weak anymore, sometime a bit dizzy but not comparable to the strict diet period. One thing that happened though is that it's been almost 3 months that I missed my period. They did all the tests at the clinic but all negative, so I'm not really sure what happened and why I'm missing it. Eventually I should go to a gynecologist to check if everything is ok.

I obviously gained 3Kg since I stopped my diet, but I've to say this weight is due to specific events. I went to the Apple Pie Trail for few days with my (now ex) boyfriend and we basically eat every moment something sweet apple based, I think I came back with 4Kg more only for that trip!

I also had few Holidays parties in the office and the food was always great, especially the sweets so I could not resist temptations.

Now Christmas is coming soon and the idea to be on a strict Diet is unrealistic so, I'm trying to contain myself on eating too much and still enjoying the holidays.

I've to say what I'm not missing are carbs, I usually have my regular serving portion per day, no more no less; but what's contributing to my weight gain is the amount of sugar – specifically chocolate  that I'm having lately.

Things are not going very well for me - which it might be only an excuse that's true – but my concentration and motivation is very low. I ended recently my relationship, at work things are moving slowly and not in the direction that I was hoping to. I tried to get a cat but – after the difficulties I had to adopt a pet from shelters – I'm having second thoughts and I put on hold this idea for now.

I'm seriously thinking to go back to the strict Diet in January, just the $600 are making me undecided about it! I want to go back to where I was when I started my maintenance and try again. I got obsessed at the end of my Diet and this did not help me to stay on track with my Maintenance, I did not realize that I need to live my food in a different way, my body is not ready to eat too much, a small amount of food more than the allowed one and I gain weight. My belly is growing again, and I hate it.

I don't feel motivated in the same way anymore, but I still want to believe in the Dr. Bernstein Diet because for me is the only one that works, the injections are miracles on my fat, the ketosis is a genius idea but everything belongs to a learning curve and I might need to do it again and again before I really learn what I'm doing with my Diet and with my life. 

My first week on Maintenance

I'm almost at the end of my unofficial Maintenance Program, yesterday I had my single weekly injection and today my weight was somehow less than what I was expecting, could this be connected with my injection? I was happy for my weigh-in anyway.

I'm not really following the Maintenance Program to be honest; I'm still more towards the strict Diet with an open mind on my vegetable intake. Saying unlimited vegetable does not seem realistic for me, I don't think eating 5 avocados a day or 2 Kg of zucchini will help maintaining my weight, quite the opposite. Everything should be in moderation and I think they should have a limit for the vegetable even during the Maintenance Program, maybe increasing it with the weeks but not let people go nuts eating Dill Pickled or cucumbers all day, and trust me when you've been on a Diet for so long you want to eat whatever it's allowed to.

Yesterday I had a couple of concerns to tell to the nurse, since I went down with my Potassium I'm experiencing dizziness and I had light headache for the whole weekend. Asking the Dr. Bernstein doctor is pretty much useless; he comes back to me always with the same answer/question: why don't you ask your family doctor of why you have this dizziness, headache, weakness feeling... Why are you here exactly? And why am I even talking to you? Those would be my questions to him.

I went downstairs in the PATH today to look for some herbal teas and I finally found a whole package of my Celestial Black Cherry Berry Herbal Tea, I use to find it only in a multi-flavours package, now I've the whole deal, I also purchased a full package of blueberry herbal tea from the same brand. I'm getting addicted to these herbal teas and they are delicious, I don't really need anything else to drink in the morning, well actually through all day, they help me a lot with my desire of eating a snack or something.

I decided to go for brunch this coming Saturday as well, I am actually thinking to go for brunch every Saturday from now on, if I don't see sensible weight gain during the week, I'd like to be always in the 53-something Kg for my weight and keep it to this level for the whole Maintenance Program and obviously even after. This is the weight where I feel more comfortable with. I thought if I can manage to have this weight for the whole week I can reward myself with an unhealthy brunch with French toast, Pancakes and sunnysideup eggs with a cup of coffee!

Eating healthy

Eating healthy is definitely now my lifestyle choice, not just because I'm forced to stick with my weight but because I enjoy it. I love my salads, I love my Jell-Os and my cinnamon warm apple, I don't want to give up my healthy cooking habits for a double cheese-burger and French Fries, my stomach does not like it an neither do I.

I'm going to buy again the Ketostix and try to go back into ketosis to consume the fat that I gained with my sweets. It's clear that those sugar could not be processed properly by my body and it will be stored as fat, since I don't want that I'll try again to get rid of it going into ketosis. This morning I could already see my belly increased! No!

Today I'm supposed to start officially my Maintenance Program, but I won't, I might start during the weekend with the lower dosage of Potassium, without being in ketosis apparently, it's not good for my heart. I decided that I will continue with the strict Diet till I reach again my goal of 53.5Kg, after that I will eliminate one fruit from my servings and eat a bit more vegetables. Just this new habit, for sure, will increase my weight I know, I like too much zucchini or bok choy to resist of an unlimited temptation! 

My Birthday on Diet

So my birthday passed, with 1 more Kilo on my waist line. As I thought I gained 1Kg in 1 day for the chocolate brownies, my marshmallow square and the amazing dinner I had at night; totally worth the extra pounds but not happy about it. When you struggle so much to lose weight, you really don't want to do all over again. But at the same time I think: I want to have a normal life, I want to eat healthy but sometimes it's nice to go to a restaurant for a fancy dinner or a brunch. How can I manage to have both? Well I don't have a perfect answer for that. The only thing that comes in my mind right now is the gym.

For me the only way to manage the extra calories that I want to have in my life, it's consuming all – or almost all - working out. The reality is that muscles consume calories even when you sleep, when you walk, all the times, the more I will build muscles the more my metabolism will increase and my calories consumption will be higher. I don't want to give up too many things in my Diet or I won't stick with it, is that simple.

I had almost all week many moments where I felt very weak, due to my birthday excitement coming up, the idea of ending my Diet, I'm not sure exactly why but I had way too many extra chocolate protein bars in these days.

Yesterday I was looking forward to go back to my salad, yes because having the first sweet – on my birthday – was less enjoyable than I thought. I went to Starbucks to buy the Double Chocolate Brownie that I use to eat, I added an extra Marshmallow square that I like so much. After having my brownie my stomach felt funny, noisy, I didn't feel good at all. It was like a sugar-reaction from my body complaining to such unhealthy delicious food. It did happen something similar when I had a Dr. Bernstein protein bar once, but I didn't think it was for the processed-sugary food itself. 

My last Double Injection

Today I had my last double injection before starting my Maintenance in 2 days. I'm satisfied with my results beyond the expectations I've to say it.

Tomorrow is my birthday so most likely I'll gain 2Kg just with my double chocolate cheesecake that I planned to have, and something else more with the Italian schiacciata that I'm dreaming to eat since days. Strangely I'm looking forward more to the schiacciata than my chocolate birthday cake.

I've been having a bit more protein in the past few days, an extra protein bar or my portions a bit more than the allowed amount. I can't' believe I'm saying it, but I don't want to lose any more weight for now, plus this constant dizziness, lack of energy and headache is killing me. The doctor suggested me to have an extra protein serving for my constant feeling of hunger, so I'm kind of following his advice. I did not experience any weight gain so far, but if I'm having something more to eat, I'll choose it from the allowed food list, rather than buying junk food here and there.

On Sunday I had to come in the office to finish some work and after I was done I decided to stop by a metro grocery store to try to find my Cherry Black Berry herbal tea that I cannot find anywhere. I did not find it but I bought the berries one that I also like, while I was there I stopped by the Protein/Energy bars isle, it was full of different type of energy bars, all tempting really, I had to buy one for my chocolate craving so it took me some time to decide which one. I bought one called Solo by Gi brand, it was the only one I found with less calories and 10g of proteins. While I was going home after my grocery shopping I ate the bar while I was walking, that was the first time, since I started Dr. Bernstein Diet Plan that I was eating something outside the strict food list! The energy bar was absolutely delicious, giving that - as I always say - with 600/700 Calories per day, lots of things taste delicious.

Regarding the Maintenance Program, the portions are not clear to me; they base everything in ounces, which is just confusing. It should be from 7 ounces to 8-10 per day. What about egg whites? They're 9 ounces already! Now how much it is? I tried asking the nurses but they don't know either, they just suggested me to take a look at the booklet. The Maintenance little booklet is not the same as the Strict Diet one, which was very precise on portions and food types. The new booklet it's just a discussion on the benefits on keeping this healthy weight and things I can do now that I'm skinnier.

It mentions that vegetables now are unlimited, but not all of course, I can't have still potatoes, corn, peas or rice, which is ok, I really don't miss so much them, now that I've bok-choy and my mixed greens I'm super happy. Talking about vegetables I've to give all the honors to just one vegetable for my diet: Asparagus. This green un-tasty vegetable gave a consistent boost to my sad Diet; it made me lose weight fast and kept my bowel movement like a Swiss clock! Now I know that every time I need to manage some pounds off of my weight, I can count on it.

Quitting soon defeated

My Dr. Bernstein strict Diet is going to end very soon, to be precise in 5 days. I decided to go on Maintenance no matter what. I should lose another Kg – based on my personal goal - but my motivation went down to the drain so it's either a Kilo less by Tuesday or maintenance with a Kilo more. I could always manage to lose that Kilo during the maintenance program, also…I don't think so. Losing weight is more difficult than I thought; fluctuations are on a daily basis, even with such a ridiculous small amount of daily calories.

What's pushing me to stop the strict Diet is this constant state of weakness and starvation. I am always always hungry. I wake up in the morning starving with my stomach desperately growling for food. I cannot stand it anymore. I barely walk sometimes, I feel fainting very often, and I cannot enjoy strong physical activities whatsoever. This is not a normal life and I don't feel fabulous as the Dr. Bernstein doctor told me I should feel.

Tomorrow I've my bi-weekly doctor visit at the Dr. Bernstein clinic, I will tell him my physical situation and the reasons why I'm going on Maintenance starting next week. It will ok for them because I already reached my goal – based on their chart.

Yesterday I still had some traces of Ketosis in my sample, but I don't have that much fat left on me, I've to admit it. All my clothes are not fitting me properly now, apart from my skinny jeans. But I can't afford to change my whole wardrobe so I'll suck it up and wear oversized stuff for now. Maybe I'll buy one or 2 items, just for the office. Some people started to recognize my weight loss.

Next week it's also my birthday and I'm already dreaming of the double chocolate cake that I'm going to have. For just one day I won't care at all about the Diet or the calories intake. I'd like to have the delicious schiacciata that I use to love when working at the Italian bar. So far I've only these 2 wishes for my birthday.

What bothers me the most is my lack of strengths, it's something that I cannot stand, but I don't even have a way to react. I literally need to quit defeated. I cannot fight against it, I'm not strong enough anymore. Yesterday I was playing ping pong with my boyfriend and I had to force myself even to hit the little ball, to move left and right, WTH this is not me, I'm a full of energy person, I cannot stand this weakness anymore.

Another thing that I believe should not be the case in a Diet is this feeling hungry all the time, how can a normal person continue with it for months? Is there something wrong with me? Is my mind that it's making me think that I'm hungry but really I'm not? I can't come out with a logic explanation, so I guess it's just because I have only 600 Calories a day?

Lately I'm having 2/3 more Jell-Os than the allowed amount, one is 5 Calories that's why I'm not too concerned about it, and I can tell that it's not holding my weight loss so far. I love Jell-Os and it's the only thing that I look forward when I'm eating.